LANGUISH
MUM, DAD AND ANOREXIA
Your doll
you had tied me with
and get rid of all the rubbish
you had stuffed in me.
You called me unseemly and purl,
but I'm not the costume
you tailored too tight.
Hunger
I waited daily for your attention,
but you just let me be abandoned by dad
and threw poisonous spears in my belly.
I tried to spew up the poison,
while ravenous for your affection.
Inadequate
I felt far from inadequate as a child.
I stretched so far I tore apart
to come close enough to mum
so she could reach me,
but she never popped into my world
before I passed her by pushing further.
You were under bitter water
when I stretched my hands after you.
You pulled yourself up with them
and dragged me down simultaneously.
Ugly
I thought I was ugly,
such contempt you showed me.
Did I remind you of daddy
who failed your children?
You thought I was lighter
he vanished.
I lost my footing.
Skin
My abased mother became stuck-up
by jabbing her child with a shepherds crook
when it expressed itself.
The air went out of it
and only the skin on the ground remained.
Black beast
You denigrate me.
I became the black goat
in the family.
No wonder I look like
a beast to you
when you look at me
with a magnifying eye.
How can you see me true,
when your vision is askew?
Ditched
I'm not in your path.
I have my own
so you don't have to shove me
into the ditch.
Unpredictable
You say I'm unpredictable.
Did you think the path of life
was a straight line,
without bends and detours,
easy to oversee?
The tree of life has winding branches
and twigs that grow high above your head
and they never, ever stop.
Outsider
You couldn't stand me
because you didn't stand
in my shoes
and didn't get me,
you compared me with you.
You didn't hold me
so I clung, not to lose touch
and you were unable to stand up for me,
looking down on me.
I was too much for you
so you belittled me.
I was impossible to put up with
as you only knew debasement.
You said I took the attention
I was starving for.
You were happy to see me
because I saw you.
Porous
If I am to starve
till it shows how little you see of me
I would only be a porous skeleton
you see right through.
I want you to be able to see
behind the surface you mistake for me,
but because you can't see beyond it
I let my body consume my body.
Light
When I shine, you turn away
and pick on yourself instead.
Iron pot
It wasn't agreeable to clean mum.
To scrub away scorched scraps of a life
out of a pot with steel brush and knife.
Hatred burned in her eyes
when I scraped and scraped
and she thought I was the devil
when I hacked the evil out.
Humour
I had no mother to lean on.
She was a woman of straw.
Her straws pricked and rubbed
my nerves till they frayed.
She wielded her humour
against me; I lost mine.
To find it again, I plucked out of me
the hard straws after her.
Isolation
You say I have become too thin.
Can I really be too tiny for you?
I shrink my body to get some space,
but you take that too.
I want to change my eating pattern,
but you stifle what's natural for me;
To be alive or dead.
Therefor I live in limbo
crammed in between two walls
as the isolating material.
Stuck
You drove me crazy
out on the highway
where I was run over
by people in a hurry
and depressed by cars
into the asphalt
where I got stuck.
Destructiveness
How can you look down
on the self destructive?
Don't you know condescension
is the cause of it?
I had a wish
you put yourself in my shoes,
but in your darkness
you couldn't see
my navy blue.
Soup
She doesn’t sweep her own doorstep,
but throws me out as soup
where a doormat should lie.
Dept
When I gave up hope
of being acknowledged by you,
you died for me.
As I forgave your debt to me
there were no bonds left to see.
Grip
I hold myself tight as dad held me
while stamping my feet relentlessly,
like a cigarette he could not put out.
His grip etched into my ribs,
so it felt like others held me the same.
Stone hearts
When you pulled away
my heart was pulled out,
but you didn't know
it hung in the air somewhere
as if you were still shaking it
from my body like you used to.
Flat as a leaf it fell from the tree
down in an empty water well of stones.
3 times a rumble behind the wall
hurled me into anxiety,
so that from above I could see
my wretched life.
Was it Jesus knocking
on the other side
to wake me up from the dead?
After a man took me
without asking,
I was too small and low
to reach others above.
I sought out God instead.
and I was surprised to find
a concrete lid over my head,
but I managed to push it aside.
After earnest pleading,
a golden light appeared beside me.
Jesus emerged within it
and told me what I should do.
In the time that followed,
I regained my soul in pieces
with heavenly influence
from our Father above
the ceiling of thought.
Into the world
This girl is losing herself
as she holds tight to her will
she doesn't dare to say.
She has a heavy mind,
filled with gems, pearls from the sea,
and heavenly seeds she conceives,
but loses brain fat to get light-headed,
because she needs a heart's endlessness
in the world to fulfil herself
and fill the world with treasures
from her wishing well.
How can she be bigger
when they give no space
to feel what's in her?
It's not eating she minds.
It's unkind words she wants to fend off
by showing her bones
so it's obvious where her boundaries lie.
It is hard for others to accept them
when they strike hips so sharp.
Why does no one ask what's eating her
instead of complaining until she turns downy
that she's skinny and needs a cure?
The purpose of the hunger strike fails
when the pale corpse falls before anyone cares
to lift her chin, instead of pushing her to sin.
It is easy to support her, really,
because she carries the cross and the means.
If there is an open heart she need not shout
with her eyes, wide, the storm inside.
I am the spoon you eat with
My mum crushed my ribs between her teeth.
My dad tore out my arms when he left
because I couldn't let go of him.
I have no legs to stand on.
My skeleton is a handle with hips upon.
Men want to slurp the soup under my navel.
I fear someone will come and take me.
I am hard to bend, so if I break
it’s because I go mad from being nothing
more than an object for others.
Control
Dad, how can I eat
when you make fun of everybody?
Mum, how can I eat with your head
hovering over my plate?
I do not fear food,
but the contempt I am consumed by
when you chew bitterly on my heart, mum.
You have no control over your tongues,
so I weigh each bite that comes to mine.
Prison
As I held the body in my grip
I held myself captive within the world
I sought to overcome.
The equation
I expected my parents to love me
and be happy for me.
I never factored their joylessness
into the equation
before I blamed them for neglect.
Beyond
I didn’t think my parents loved me.
I didn’t see beyond the personality.
Recovery
Anorexia nervosa is death,
not breathing down your neck,
but right in your face
with black, toxic breath
that suffuses and clings to you
so everything seem dark.
Recovery is like moving
to the other side of the world,
inhaling heaps of fresh air
after holding your breath
for a very long time
in a poisonous atmosphere
and realising you had lived
like a half-ghost.
MEN
Abuse
If I had resisted
when they abused me sexually
and they refused to stop,
they knew it was against my will.
I could not have borne knowing that.
The shameless is not without shame.
He simply hasn't attached himself to it,
so when he crosses the line,
the shame attaches to another.
Impressed
When you didn't dismiss me,
but continued to listen calmly
despite my angry defences,
a beam broke through
my darkness to my inner light.
After I told you
how messed up I am,
you said I am an angel.
Swallow
I want to swallow myself
and be digested in the spine.
Surrender to the body's dance
of love
to undulating arms and legs
and melt into your tongue.
Home
It's a starry night.
The houses lie down,
trees bow to the ground
and I want to go home
to the minute-hand
that calls me by day
while the door stands ajar.
It is here I hear
home whispering
against my throat:
I long for a man
who can fence me in.
Foothold
Without a foothold
I fall for you and hover
until I hit the ground.
I should endure it;
become soft enough
not to break the legs
I want to walk with
a man up the hills,
but before that happens
I lie here broken,
waiting.
Shaken
You call me selfish when I'm sobbing
without unearthing the reason,
but that is what I do
when I heave to clear the ground
of what hinders me to see,
heavy timber shaking and falling.
Doubt
Between you and me
lies a darkness of wounds,
thoughts in mist without sparks,
ungrounded energy,
a body needing sustenance,
and a socket of doubt I hide in.
Separation
The trees were conjoined at the root
and a way up the trunk.
The barbed wire around one
hindered them from reuniting.
Tripartite heart
You have a tripartite heart.
The scars between its parts
look like a peace sign
when you look down on it,
but from the outside
it is upside-down.
Blind page
I carve deep into the paper with a pencil
instead of slitting my arm with a knife.
Blood flows from my throat to my chest
and drips in heart shapes on the page.
They touch your blind spots
that cover the whole white page -
the feminine and pure.
Then you lay a shadow over it.
The red turns black.
Fish
I see your lustful gaze.
You inflate. I decay.
I'm a living fish in my right element,
but just food in your hands.
Take heed
I'm a deep red rose despised for my thorns,
but I don’t stand for you to pick at me
so why get mad when my thorns stick thee?
The thorns are my darkness sticking out.
When you get too close,
you get hooked by one to see in its mirror
the unknown that scares you
and the shortcomings you blame on another.
I need my thorns for my fragile stem
from the desire that will pluck me
and the rage that will uproot me
from the earth and trample me.
I fear being severed from my roots
and my faith withers.
Your light cannot replace the sun.
The wall
Your view is important to me
so I become a nobody.
It is gnawing at me.
My body wastes away
because you don't want to see me.
How can I have matter
when I don't matter to you?
Maybe if my bones stick out more
they will tear a hole
in the wall you put me through?
Shadow
You look at the shadow
with your back against the light.
You don't see the contours of my body,
just the shape of a thick, long jacket
and you think this defense
against your coldness shows my true self.
Snake
Cold you called me.
Yet you were my only company.
Tore my heart apart and from bone
with the icicles from the stone heart you own.
You call me a concentration camp inmate too,
but you are the captor, snake
who consumes me with corrosive spit
from your large, bitter, sizzling pit.
Weak
You say I am weak
when I care and I weep,
but strong does not mean hard.
Your heart of stone
beats mine to shreds,
but mine heals.
Yours shatters under pressure
so you can feel
your soft heart underneath.
With Mr. Hubris my wings broke,
so when I trembled with fear and rage,
humour slid off them
and I only saw the tragic side of things,
but then he said in a serious manner:
You shouldn't take what I say so seriously.
Slick
I fear you are a pig that get slick
from the mud you roll around in.
When you splash and think I am in on it, it's scary.
I'm a cat who wants to be dry behind the ears.
Emptiness
Eating, smoking, or getting high won’t ease it.
The craving is encompassing.
Emptiness fills all of me,
so I want to pierce into your heart
so the emptiness that follows me
gives every cell touched by your core
room to vibrate.
The release
The mans open and warm gaze
melts the girl from her mums grip
and call forth the confined woman
behind them both,
so she can fulfil her calling
with peace of mind
while the girl is free to play.
Beaten
I shaped myself to be seen.
With you, I can just be.
Anyway, you see me.
I am not used to being vulnerable.
I am used to scream to closed ears.
I don’t need to fight with you
who has let yourself be beaten
by love already.
I am defeated by your heartbeats
within me.
The mask slips away.
Too stiff to follow the movement.
Face
Will you wrap yourself around me
so I can unwrap myself and lose it
when the world is a fist in my face?
When you want to be head
above the water while I am under,
I see the divine in you.
Words
Words alone are a fragile bridge.
Fear can shake it, tension blow it up.
When the meaning gets lost
there is an abyss between us,
but if I can look you in the eyes
no bridge is needed.
Only our bodies are fragile then,
but we can wrap ourselves together
and in the very same abyss, be one.
Skin
We are a match in heaven,
but here we stand
scraping each other's skin off.
You enter my life
thrilled to float free
in the open air
while I cry out
and tear down the walls.
My feet are so cold feet
they get wet in the sun.
Torn
I tear our relationship down.
It often needs improvements,
but you don't see that,
so I have to solve the problems alone.
Whatever I do is fine with you.
It is dusty, even tar here and there.
No matter how many tears I shed
and how many times I wash the floor
it is always dirty here.
Cold
I tell you all my sorrows.
Then you ask me why I'm not happy.
It's possible to be melancholic
and happy, you say.
My dad said it's possible to leave kittens
outside in the snow,
but then I saw them no more.
Hand
Two have arms where grace is circling
from a spirit devout as a bond.
In each other's hands they fold their hands.
My father never let me hold his.
I held my husband's hand
through the night.
I felt the grace
even though he slept.
I wept and wept.
Pressure
Sexual touch forces the door open.
Loving touch opens all doors
without touching the knob.
Uplifting
When I am down
you lift me up.
If you just hold me
and let me feel
what's heavy
I will lighten.
What matters
When I am met
with recognition,
it is a relief to let go
of being on top
and land in the heart.
It makes no difference
if I feel pleasure or pain.
Only the love you share
lifts my spirit.
If a tragedy happens,
even war,
how you treat me
matters more.
The elements
You bring the water
which washes away
the sand and branches
I thought I needed
and shine a light
so the hidden in me
comes out of the shadows
to be seen.
I call upon the wind
that loosens what's stuck
and ignite the fire
that burns with rage
what no longer serves us.
Beauty
Don't tell me I'm beautiful!
Say: Everything is beautiful!
Everything is good!
Then I am free. Then I shine.
Don't show love because
you like a person.
or they like you,
but because you love everyone!
Women wish to be
the manifestation of beauty.
They achieve this
by forgetting the facade
and simply loving others.
Shortcomings
My husband is perfect for me.
He always gives me what I need.
Even when I feel rejected
and don't get what I want.
All he does helps me grow.
His shortcomings cut me off
where I go too far.
Prejudices
Don’t take them to heart. The temple of truth
is too deep and free for these prejudices.
They are only suggestions from an upset mind,
whose sole value is to show I don’t understand,
but long to.
Spores
When someone spills my blood
as if it were rotten spores in water
and runs through the wet meadows
and spills over himself.
Will I forgive then?
Yes, because some have it more
slippery and wet than others,
it slips for them more easily.
MY SON
Preparation
A glowing lump of wax grows in her
into a black, conical mountain
spearing the ice around her heart.
The baby is the love
after lovemaking.
He said to me, when he was three:
I healed you inside your belly.
Pollen
To have a son
evened out the loss of my dad
as a child.
This woman's wounds
give blood to the child.
He is so soft;
he is unbreakable.
He meets me with pollen
falling heavily through the sunlight
and down on the moist ground.
Sound
A crow hollered outside the house,
again and again, as if proclaiming
that someone had treated you and me unfairly,
and left us heavy with sorrow.
Without your voice here,
this house feels like
a contemplative monastery.
Each unexpected sound
brings your absence to the fore.
It is so empty without you,
you fill the whole world around me.
Bird
The little, dead bird on the pavement
is as drained of blood
and stripped of meat
as I am of yours.
Committing suicide won't do it.
My throat is already cut open.
Wave
I am dead to him now.
I rise and sink
between heaven and hell
like a rogue wave.
I see the love I feel
for him in underwater tunnels,
then as endless
underwater currents.
Woolly hat
You dropped me like a woolly hat.
When you never picked it up
I mourned the whole year through,
but the sun shone dearly daily at you.
Mother Mary
At the second birth of my son,
18 years after the first,
white light rose from the opening below.
Mary appeared with love so sweet
and thanked me for the blood sacrifice,
before she flew away as a butterfly.
