Sufi prayers from Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan

Nayaz - The Healing Prayer, recited after early morning breathing practices.

Beloved Lord, Almighty God! Through the rays of the Sun, through the waves of the air, Through the All­pervading Life in space, Purify and revivify me, and I pray, heal my body, heart and soul.

Amen Nazr - Recited as a blessing at mealtimes.

O Thou, Sustainer of our body, heart, and soul, Bless all that we receive In thankfulness. Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri Dowa

Save me, my Lord, from the earthly passions and the attachments that blind mankind.

Save me, my Lord, from the temptations of power, fame and wealth, which keep man away from Thy Glorious Vision.

Save me, my Lord, from the souls who are constantly occupied in hurting and harming their fellow-man, and who take pleasure in the pain of another.

Save me, my Lord, from the evil eye of envy and jealousy, which fall upon Thy Bountiful Gifts.

Save me, my Lord, from falling into the hands of the playful children of the earth; they might use me in their games; they might play with me and then break me in the end, as children destroy their toys.

Save me, my Lord, from all manner of injury that cometh from the bitterness of my adversaries and from the ignorance of my loving friends.

Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri Prayer for New Year

O Thou who abidest in our hearts,

most Merciful and Compassionate God,

Lord of Heaven and Earth,

we forgive others their trespasses and ask Thy forgiveness of our shortcomings.

We begin the New Year with pure heart and clear conscience, with courage and hope.

Help us to fulfil the purpose of our lives under Thy divine guidance.
Morning prayers

Invocation

Toward the One,
The Perfection of Love,
Harmony and Beauty, the Only Being,
united with all the illuminated souls,
who form the embodiment of the Master
The Spirit of Guidance.

Saum

Praise be to Thee, Most Supreme God,
Omnipotent, Omnipresent, All-pervading, the Only Being.
Take us in Thy Parental Arms, raise us from the denseness of the earth,
Thy Beauty do we worship, to Thee do we give willing surrender.
Most Merciful and Compassionate God, the Idealized Lord of the whole humanity,
Thee only do we worship, and towards Thee Alone do we aspire.
Open our hearts towards Thy Beauty, illuminate our souls with Divine Light,
O Thou, the Perfection of Love, Harmony and Beauty,
All-powerful Creator, Sustainer, Judge and Forgiver of our shortcomings,
Lord God of the East and of the West,
of the worlds above and below,
and of the seen and unseen beings.
Pour upon us Thy Love and Thy Light,
give sustenance to our bodies, hearts and souls,
use us for the purpose that Thy Wisdom chooseth,
and guide us on the path of Thine Own Goodness.
Draw us closer to Thee every moment of our life,
until in us be reflected Thy Grace, Thy Glory, Thy Wisdom, Thy Joy and Thy Peace. Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri

"May the Message of God reach far and wide".

- Recited eleven times. Pir

Inspirer of my mind, consoler of my heart, healer of my spirit,
Thy presence lifteth me from earth to heaven, Thy words flow as the sacred river,
Thy thought riseth as a divine spring, Thy tender feelings awaken sympathy in my heart.
Beloved Teacher, thy very being is forgiveness.
The clouds of doubt and fear are scattered by thy piercing glance,
All ignorance vanishes in thy illuminating presence;
A new hope is born in my heart by breathing thy peaceful atmosphere.
O inspiring Guide through life's puzzling ways, In thee I feel abundance of blessing. Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri Prayer for the Universel

O Thou, Who art the Maker, Molder and Builder of the Universe,
Build with Thy own hands, the Universel,
Our temple for Thy divine message of Love, Harmony and Beauty.
Prayer for Peace

Send Thy Peace, O Lord, which is perfect and everlasting: that our souls may radiate Peace.

Send Thy Peace, O Lord, that we may think, speak and act harmoniously.

Send Thy Peace, O Lord, that we may be contented and thankful for Thy bountiful gifts.

Send Thy Peace, O Lord, that amid our worldly strife that we may enjoy Thy bliss.

Send Thy Peace, O Lord, that we may endure all, tolerate all in the though of Thy grace and mercy.

Send Thy Peace, O Lord, that our lives may become a divine vision, and in Thy light all darkness may vanish.

Send Thy Peace, O Lord, our Father and Mother that we, Thy children on earth, may all unite in one brotherhood (family). Amen

Mid-day prayers

Invocation

Toward the One,
The Perfection of Love,
Harmony and Beauty, the Only Being,
united with all the illuminated souls,
who form the embodiment of the Master
The Spirit of Guidance.

Salat

Most Gracious Lord, Master, Messiah and Saviour of humanity, we greet Thee with all humility.
Thou art the First Cause and the Last Effect, the Divine Light and the Spirit of Guidance, Alpha and Omega.
Thy Light is in all forms, Thy Love in all beings:in a loving mother, in a kind father, in an innocent child, in a helpful friend, and in an inspiring teacher.
Allow is to recognize Thee in all Thy Holy Names and Forms: as Rama, as Krishna, as Shiva, as Buddha; let us know Thee as Abraham, as Solomon, as Zarathustra, as Moses, as Jesus, as Muhammed, and in many more Names and Forms, known and unknown to the world.
We adore Thy Past, Thy Presence deeply enlightens our being, and we look for Thy Blessing in the future, O Messenger, Christ, Nabi, the Rasul of God! Thou whose heart constantly reaches upwards, Thou comest on earth with a Message, as a dove from above when dharma decayeth, and speakest the word that is put in thy mouth, as the light filleth the crescent moon.
Let the star of the Divine Light shining in thy heart be reflected in the hearts of thy devotees.
May the Message of God reach far and wide, illuminating and making the whole of humanity as one single family in the Parenthood of God. Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri

"Pour upon us Thy Love and Thy Light".

- Recited eleven times.

Nabi

A torch in the darkness, a staff during my weakness,
A rock in the weariness of life, Thou, my Master, makest earth a paradise.
Thy thought giveth me unearthly joy,
Thy light illuminateth my life's path,
Thy words inspire me with divine wisdom,
I follow in thy footsteps, which lead me to the eternal goal.
Comforter of the broken hearted, Support of those in need,
Friend of the lovers of truth, Blessed Master, thou art the Prophet of God.
Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri

Prayer for the Universel

O Thou, Who art the Maker, Molder and Builder of the Universe,
Build with Thy own hands, the Universel,
Our temple for Thy divine message of Love, Harmony and Beauty.

Prayer for Peace

Send Thy peace O Lord, which is perfect and everlasting, that our souls may radiate peace.
Send Thy peace O Lord, that we may think, act and speak harmoniously.
Send Thy peace O Lord, that we may be contented and thankful for Thy bountiful gifts.
Send Thy peace O Lord, that amidst our worldly strife, we may enjoy Thy bliss.
Send Thy peace O Lord, that we may endure all, tolerate all, in the thought of Thy grace and mercy.
Send Thy peace O Lord, that our lives may become a Divine vision and in Thy light, all darkness may vanish.
Send Thy peace O Lord, our Father and Mother, that we Thy children on Earth may all unite in one family. Amen

Evening prayers

Invocation

Toward the One,
The Perfection of Love,
Harmony and Beauty, the Only Being,
united with all the illuminated souls,
who form the embodiment of the Master
The Spirit of Guidance.

Khatum

O Thou, Who art the Perfection of Love, Harmony and Beauty, The Lord of Heaven and Earth,
Open our hearts, that we may hear Thy Voice, which constantly cometh from within;
Disclose to us Thy Divine Light, which is hidden in our souls, That we may know and understand life better.
Most Merciful and Compassionate God, give us Thy Great Goodness,
Teach us Thy Loving Forgiveness,
Raise us above the distinctions and differences which divide us,
Send us the Peace of Thy Divine Spirit, And unite us all in Thy Perfect Being. Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri

"Disclose to us Thy Divine Light".

- Recited eleven times.

Rasul

Warner of coming dangers,
Wakener of the world from sleep,
Deliver of the Message of God, Thou art our Savior.
The sun at the dawn of creation,
The light of the whole universe,
The fulfillment of God's purpose,
Thou, the life eternal, we seek refuge in thy loving enfoldment.
Spirit of Guidance, Source of all beauty, and Creator of harmony,
Love, Lover and Beloved Lord, Thou art our divine ideal. Amen

Pir-O-Murshid Inayat Khan -- A Prayer of the Gayatri

Prayer for the Universel

O Thou, Who art the Maker, Molder and Builder of the Universe,
Build with Thy own hands, the Universel,
Our temple for Thy divine message of Love, Harmony and Beauty.

Inayat Khan sitater

Hvordan kommer man i kontakt med den allmektige kraften? Man vil alltid finne begrensninger så lenge den lille personligheten står i veien, så lenge man ikke blir kvitt den, så lenge ens egen person og alt som er forbundet med den interesserer en. Og den kraften kan bare påvirkes på én måte, og det er ved selvutslettelse, det som i bibelen kalles selvfornektelse. 

Menneskene tolker det på en annen måte: Selvfornektelse betyr å nekte seg selv alle jordens gleder og nytelser, sier de. Hvorfor ble da denne jorden skapt hvis det var for å nekte seg denne jordens glede og nytelse? Bare for å forby? Hvis den ble skapt for å forby er dette veldig nådeløst, siden menneskehetens kontinuerlige søken er etter lykke. 

Selvfornektelse er å si nei til den lille personligheten som presser seg frem i alle ting, å utslette dette falske egoet som tvinger deg til å føle din mangelfulle kraft i både det ene og det andre. Og hvordan oppnår man det? Man oppnår det ikke bare gjennom bønn og tilbedelse, eller ved å tro på Gud. Det oppnås ved å glemme seg selv i Gud. Tro på Gud er det første steget. Det man oppnår gjennom tro på Gud er at man glemmer seg selv i Gud. 

Er man i stand til å gjøre det har man oppnådd en kraft som er bortenfor menneskelig forståelse. Prosessen hvor man oppnår dette kalles av Sufiene fana’. Fana’ er ikke nødvendigvis å bli tilintetgjort i Gud. Fana’ resulterer i hva man kan kalle en oppstandelse i Gud, som symboliseres ved bildet av Kristus. Kristus på korset er beskrivende for fana’ som betyr ”Jeg er ikke”. Og ideen om oppstandelse forklarer neste stadium, som er baqa’ og betyr ”ødeleggelse”, som igjen betyr oppstigningen mot den Allmektige. Guddommelig ånd forståes i oppstigningen mot den Allmektige. Fana’ oppnås ikke gjennom å torturere seg selv, ved selvplaging, ved å påføre seg selv masse problemer, heller ikke slik mange asketer gjør; for selv etter å ha torturert seg selv kommer de ikke frem til denne forståelsen hvis det ikke var meningen at de skulle det. Kjernen i guddommelig væren finner du ved å si nei til ditt lille selv, det falske selvet som dekker over ditt sanne selv.

Mange har sett på selvfornektelse som veien til lykke fordi de har tolket selvfornektelse som askese. De har fratatt seg selv alle kortvarige gleder. Det finnes en annen måte å se det på. Det er ikke meningen at vi skal gi avkall på det som er skapt. Vi leser i Koranen at alt som finnes på jorden og i himmelen er skapt for menneskeheten. Derfor skal vi ikke gi avkall på alt som er vakkert og gir velvære og glede. Hemmeligheten med det hele er at det som er skapt for oss mennesker er skapt for at vi skal bruke det, men vi må ikke bli sittende fast i det. Feilen oppstår hvis man gir avkall på den sanne lykkes vei i jakten på nytelse og gleder.

Fred:  For all bønn og hengivenhet er til for å oppnå fred. En god og snill person, lærd og med gode kvalifikasjoner, sterk og kraftfull, kan ikke være åndelig, selv med alle disse egenskapene, hvis ikke sjelen har tilegnet seg den rytmen som er dens naturlige rytme. Kun i denne rytmen finnes livets tilfredshet. Fred er ikke en kunnskap, det er ikke en kraft; fred er ikke en lykke. Fred er alt dette. Fred skaper lykke. Fred inspirerer en til kunnskap om det synlige og det skjulte. I freden finnes den guddommelige kraften.

Det er ikke den opprømte som seirer i livets evige kamp. Det er den fredfulle som utholder alt, som tilgir alt, som forstår alt, som tar alt til seg. . Det er fred som gir dem kraft og som muliggjør klar observasjon. Derfor er det de fredfulle som forstår, for fred hjelper dem til å forstå. Det er de fredfulle som kan kontemplere. Når det er mangel på fred kan man ikke kontemplere ordentlig. Derfor er det slik at alt som har med åndelig fremgang å gjøre avhenger av fred. Og nå er spørsmålet ”Hvorfor har man ikke fred?” Svaret er ”Kjærligheten til sanseinntrykk”.

 Det ingen grunn for den som går en åndelig vei å føle skuffelse, uansett hvordan det står til med verden. Deres åndelige kamp er ikke til for at andre skal verdsette den. Den er til fordi de ønsker å gå en åndelig vei. Holder de fast ved at sannheten, den guddommelige sannheten er det vakreste i verden, og at vi må verdsette, besvare og beundre alle former for skjønnhet, vil menneskene åpne seg opp og utvide sin sfære. Vi må kjenne igjen det hellige i all skjønnhet; i fruktens sødme, i blomstens farge, i rosens duft, i stjernenes lys. Gjør vi det, tillater vi sjelen å folde seg ut og vise frem sin guddommelighet.

Qutes from Inayat Khan

For the value of everything exists for man only so long as he does not understand it. When he has fully understood, the value is lost, be it the lowest thing or the highest thing.

The secret of mysticism is to feel, think, speak, and act at the same time, for then all that is said, or felt, or done, becomes perfect.

What is rooted out in the quest of truth is ignorance; it is entirely removed from the heart, and the outlook becomes wide; as wide as the Eye of God; therein is born the divine Spirit, the spirit, which is called Divinity.

He who sincerely seeks his real purpose in life is himself sought by that purpose. As he concentrates on that search a light begins to clear his confusion, call it revelation, call it inspiration, call it what you will. It is mistrust that misleads. Sincerity leads straight to the goal.

All that produces longing in the heart deprives the heart of freedom.

To repress desire is to suppress a divine impulse.

As soon as one thinks of another the boundary that limits the will of the individual breaks down and  becomes the universal will. 

Our prayer reaches God through our ears. God is inside us. If our soul can hear our voice God can hear it too. 

From a worldly aspect there may be a man who looks after himself, who is self-conscious, who thinks of himself, who concerns himself solely with himself. One can say that the ego counts in that person, but that is all that one can admire. Then there may be another person, who has outgrown that thought of self. You cannot help respecting him. The respect comes by itself, as soon as a person has emerged from that thought of self. And when a person has lost interest in holding, in possessing others, then his charm is such that without his holding or possessing all becomes his own. You can feel that person to be above the average in the world.

Morally prayer is the greatest virtue and the only way of being free from all sin, because in prayer one reaches that spirit of God which is all-powerful and which is ever-forgiving, and it is by the power of prayer that man opens the doors of the heart, in which God the Merciful abides. No ethics, no philosophy, can give greater joy than this, which is sincere devotion to God; and the deepest joy is his who knows best how to humble himself before God. The proud man, ignorant of greatness of God, and of His all-sufficient power, does not know this exaltation, which raises the soul from earth to Heaven. To be really sorry for one's errors is like opening the doors of heaven.

As the little child learns to walk, falling a thousand times before he can stand; and after that falling again and again before he learns at last to walk, so are we no more than little children before God; we fail again and again, but if we feel that because we failed yesterday we shall do so again to-morrow, we shall never overcome. We must always look forward with faith to the day when we shall walk aright, and that day will surely come. "As I have fallen so often perhaps I shall never walk", that thought would make a mental image on his soul, and he would never walk. Our follies and errors are natural; but when we defend ourselves, making virtues of our shortcomings and trying to hide our errors, it is as if we nurtured our errors, trying to make them grow. The only real method of growth is to judge ourselves constantly and to see where we fail; then in prayer to ask for pardon and right guidance. His words about prayer here:https://wahiduddin.net/mv2/archives/prayer.htm

 

His prayers here: https://thethoughtsofdavidaw.blogspot.com/2020/12/sufi-prayers-from-pir-o-murshid-inayat.html

Man is here on earth for this one purpose, that he may bring forth that spirit of God in him and thus discover his own perfection.

The stages of self realization: The first stage is to imagine God as great and as perfect as you can. The second stage is to lose your self in the thought of God, in the same way that the lover loses the thought of self in the thought of the beloved and in the third stage the beloved becomes the self, and the self is there no more. For then the self, as we think it to be, no longer remains; the self becomes what it really is. It is that realization which is called self-realization. https://wahiduddin.net/mv2/VI/VI_30.htm

True happiness is not gained, it is discovered. Man's way itself is happiness. That is why he longs for happiness. What keeps happiness out of one's life is the closing of the doors of the heart, and when the heart is not living, then there is no happiness there. Sometimes the heart is not fully alive but only partly. At the same time it expects life from the other heart. But the real life of the heart is to live independently in its own happiness and that is gained by spiritual attainment, by digging deep into one's own heart.

Meditation is to train the mind to become passive and to receive inspiration, power and blessings. Meditation is not just to sit passive with eyes closed, but to be attentive to what emerges. Not only witnessing it, but to be prepared to sharpen ones senses to make body and mind receptive for vibrations. With meditation we also clean the mind from unnecessary impressions that makes the mind impure. The purpose of concentration, meditation and contemplation, which in total is the essence of religion, philosophy and mysticism, is to attain the depth that is the root of our life. It is to lift the soul above the body and mind. It is like opening up to the spaciousness, senses and the various qualities of the mind. This spaciousness comes from meditation and the soul can now operate through all visible and invisible parts, instead of just one part of ones being.

The sufi teachers emphasis kindness, mildness and love more than how diligent the student meditate. In sufism not only meditation is taught, but also Gods love, that is an opening of the heart towards the heart of every creatures. The purpose of meditation, concentration and contemplation is simply to open our hearts, have focused minds and search for our lives purpose. What we achieve by studying philosophy and mysticism and by practicing concentration and meditation is to serve others better.

True power is not in trying to gain power. True power is in becoming power. But how to become power? It requires an attempt to make a definite change in oneself and that change is a kind of struggle with one's false self. When the false self is crucified, then the true self is resurrected. Before the world this crucifixion appears to be lack of power, but in truth all power is attained by this resurrection.

As to knowledge, it has two aspects. One knowledge is what one gathers by learning the names and forms of this life. That cannot satisfy this appetite. It is only a stepping-stone to it. This outer learning only helps one to come to the inner learning, but the inner learning is quite different from the outer learning. How is it learned? It is learned by studying the self. One finds that all the knowledge one strives after and all that exists to study, is all in oneself. Therefore one finds a kind of universe in oneself, and by the study of the self one comes to that spiritual knowledge for which the soul hungers.

There are many who do not mind if they hurt anyone as long as they think they have told the truth. There is, however, a difference between fact and truth. Fact is that which can be spoken of; truth is that which cannot be put into words.

The bare truth alone is not sufficient; Truth must be made into wisdom. What is wisdom? Wisdom is the robe of truth.

When a person doesn't listen to us we must know that it is because ourselves don't believe.

Intuition can be describes as a glimpse of knowledge that one has stored inside oneself, that comes in a time that it is needed. It is a disclosure of of ones own spirit that unveils all things. It is by seeing the cause of every fault in oneself that one is able to have insight into human nature.

In order to make the intuition clear, the best thing is to stop imagination.

Every imagination is intuition until it has been corrupted by reason and when it has been corrupted by reason it becomes fantasy. For as soon as we start think it out we at once descend from a higher, the spiritual source of information and use earthly means to establish what belongs in heaven. Therefor the first condition is to separate this outer knowledge from the inner knowing.

There is a knowledge that one can perceive with the senses, and there is a knowledge that one can perceive with the mind alone, and a knowledge that can be realized by the soul.

Man experiences heaven when conscious of his soul; he experiences the earth when conscious of his body. Man experiences that plane which is between heaven and earth when he is conscious of his mind.

The soul is like a light in the room that is the mind, for the soul perceives feeling, thought, memory, reason, and identity, and identifies itself with them. In reality it is aloof from them. But as the soul cannot see itself, it thinks, with the help of the ego, “I am sad”, or, “I am glad,” or, “I remember,” or, “I have forgotten.” In reality the soul does none of these things; they are all the workings of the mind, but it identifies itself with what it sees at this time.

After death, that which the soul had known as mind is now to the soul a world; That which the soul while on earth called imagination is now before it a reality. In this world our mind is in us. In the next world we are in our mind.

There is a still deeper sphere to which our memory is linked, and that sphere is the universal memory, in other words, the divine mind.

All the quotes in this book is interesting: Daily meditations by Inayat Khan. You can download it here for free: https://cupdf.com/document/inayat-khan-daily-meditations.html

Perfeksjon og rangering av mennesker

Vi rangerer mennesker utfra våre verdier. Et menneske som verdsetter rikdom ser ned på de fattigere av oss og jeg har rangert mennesker basert på hvor vise de er. How fucked up er ikke det? Jeg rangerte nemlig mennesker etter hvor spirituelle de var. Dvs hvor spirituelle jeg mente de var, basert på min ide om hva spirituell er, som var å være en gudslengtende sannhetssøker med forbindelse til Gud i sitt indre. En ide som kan være en helt annen om du spør et annet menneske og som uansett hvem du spør vil være begrenset. Min venninne mente at å være spirituell var å være snill og ikke såre andre. Faktum er at alle har spirituelle kvaliteter, utviklet i ulik grad, basert på kall, personlighet, miljø og andre faktorer jeg ikke kjenner til og det er så mange av dem. Vi makter ikke å legge vekt på alle på en gang. Vi bryr oss om enkelte. Kanskje flere og flere etter hvert som tiden går og vi har fått litt dreisen på noen av de. 

Det var faktisk sånn at jeg delte opp folk i spirituelle og verdslige. Det er så latterlig og tragisk. Kan man i det hele tatt være kun verdslig et eneste sekund med tanke på hvor mange spirituelle kvaliteter vi har? 

Noen tror at noen kommer til himmelen, andre kommer til helvete. Eller som jeg trodde, vi kommer til en av mange himler. De materialistiske kommer til den laveste og de minst materialistiske kommer til den høyeste. Ha ha! Faktum er at disse nivåene ikke er synlige og fysiske av natur. Presis som i den verden vi nå lever i nå har vi mennesker på forskjellig bevissthetsnivå. Vi må alle samhandle med hverandre. Slik er det også på den andre siden. Jeg kommer ikke unna de med irriterende svakheter fordi disse svakhetene irriterer meg kun fordi jeg har de selv.

Jeg forestilte meg at i himmelen jobbet jeg sammen med mennesker på samme bevissthetsnivå som meg selv og at himlene liksom lå oppå hverandre med usynlig skille. At jeg noen ganger gikk ned til himler under meg og prøvde å hjelpe noen opp til et høyere nivå. Jeg tenkte aldri på at noen i himler over meg ville hjelpe meg videre opp også fordi mitt mål er å komme til den høyeste himmel og leve med helgenene. Ha ha! Snakk om dustete tankegang! Og jeg som har kritisert andre for å ta ting bokstavelig og tolket hellige skrifter overfladisk/fysisk! Jeg har her gjort presis det samme selv. Opp og ned er fysiske attributter, ikke spirituelle! Vi er alle i samme båt. Vi har alle svakheter vi må overkomme og kvaliteter å utvikle, styrke og øve oss i å bruke. Og sist, men ikke minst; Vi er alle likeverdige!

Jesus sa det rett i trynet på meg en gang på en ayahuasca seremoni: "Vi er like mye verdt du og jeg." Jeg spurte: Hvordan er det mulig? Du er jo Jesus! Han svarte da at vi er alle Guds tjenere. Derfor. Det er ikke riktig å skille mellom mennesker. Når du betrakter den jenta som sliter og trenger å kaste opp så tenker du at det er hennes problem og noe hun selv må takle. Det stemmer ikke. Du kan avlaste henne og kaste opp for henne, fordi vi er alle ett. 

På en tidligere seremoni fikk jeg en lignende innsikt. Jeg innså at når en person har suksess har vi alle suksess og om en person har sorg eller et problem har alle sorg eller et problem, fordi vi henger sammen. Vi er et hele og alle påvirker hverandre. Det er bare hud som skiller oss, men kun om vi betrakter kroppene fra utsiden. Kjenner du inni kroppen er det ingen skille. Alt er energi. 

Når vi har gått gjennom individualiseringsprosessen må vi gå videre, glemme oss selv og identifisere oss med alle, med menneskeheten. Vi rommer alle. Vi rommer alt som er. Og vi må lære å tolerere alt. 

Når vi ser en svakhet hos andre er det lett å avvise og dømme. Dette skjer bare når vår bevissthet er i det lavere selvet og vi er egoistiske. Om vi i stedet befinner oss i Gudstjenermodus vil vi se på andres svakhet som en mulighet til å tjene vedkommende ved å gi noe av det de mangler. På denne måten utfyller vi hverandre.

Jeg vet ikke hva det vil si å være perfekt og om det er mulig å bli det. Jeg tror det betyr å kunne tilfredsstille de man treffer på en 100 prosent tilfredsstillende måte. Dette krever en uselvisk holdning og tilgang til de guddommelige kvalitetene. Vi alle elsker og strever etter perfeksjon. Pga. en eller annen svakhet, som f. eks. utålmodighet som jeg har, blir vi dømmende når vi ser svakheter. Vi kan ikke bli perfekte fort nok og vil se paradis på jord nå! Faktum er at vår spirituelle reise ingen ende har, så det å forte seg hjelper ikke. Livet er som en bok man skal lese nøye.

The differences between men and women

The following is what I have learned from John Gray ( the author of the famous book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus) after listening to his youtube-videos and reading 4 of his books about relationships. 

Men and women are in many ways the opposite, because men feel good when testesterone is increased and women when estrogen is increased and when estrogen rise testesteron decrease. These hormones are increased in different ways. The cool thing is that they can boost each others hormones in ways that benefits them both at the same time. They both need love, but expressed in different ways.

The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors: A man's ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman's feelings, and a woman's ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences love has a chance to blossom.

Needs: Men needs to be accepted in spite of his imperfections. He needs others to be positive he can accomplish his goals and to value his achievements. He needs her to trust, value and accept his thoughts, motives, actions, decisions and way of thinking. He needs admiration, approval and encouragement. Women needs to be respected, to feel valuable, she needs devotion, validation and reassurances. She needs to feel special and beautyful, to be listened to, cared about when she is upset, understood and taken care of (nurtured). 

Love often fails because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman’s primary  needs are to be cared for, understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn’t trust him. Being trusted is his primary need, not being cared for. Then, when he doesn’t respond positively to her caring she can’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate her brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn’t what she needs. So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other’s needs.

Receiving support and help will boost her estrogen. To give support, help and to feel appreciated will boost his testesteron. Because he feel love by helping and she feels love by being supported she should help him help her by asking for what she needs. What brings out the best in men is when she is happy so when he is helping her they are in a good loop. Trying to please a man will never earn his lasting affections. The opposite is true. When a man succeeds in pleasing a woman, then and only then is he more motivated to please her. 

To know that she is respected, supported and not alone in taking responsibility is important for her. That she doesn't feel like the only one responsible for earning money, taking care of the the kids, the home etc. (That doesn't mean she doesn't like to be independant, of course.) The man feels good by doing something valuable as detached and selfless. If she can trust that she will be supported and can ask when she needs something it will increase her estrogen and well being. She should not trust that he automatically knows what she needs. She should trust that he will give her what she needs if she lets him know what that is. E.g. if she needs to talk she should talk and not wait untill he asks her questions, because that may never happen. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means that he expects you to talk when you need to talk (like men does) and that he doesn't want to bother you with unsuitable questions. (Men don't like too many questions and may think you don't like too many either.)

Instead of needing a man primarily for survival and security, like old fashion men may think, a woman needs a man for emotional comfort, nurturing, his romantic attention, affection, good communication and great sex. This will help her balance her hormones that gets out of balance from working in a masculine environment. She needs the attention of someone who cares about her. She needs the help of someone who wants to take care of her needs. Women needs signs of affection ( especially caresses and hugs) from men to reassure them they are loved, perceived as special and won't be abandoned. A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw. Men on the other hand needs to feel confident they can make the woman happy to commit to her, so he needs her to express her appreciation for him.

The times she seems cold she just needs more understanding and affection and her heart will warm up again and her eyes will begin to sparkle. When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood. Then she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs. He should not take responsibility for her problems, thoughts and emotions, but detach himself to be able to just understand and support her while she is expressing herself. 

Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions. To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. Men argue for the right to be free, while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.

Even though men likes to do things for her it is important that she acknowledge his efforts and doesn't complain about what he doesn't do. It is important that she tell him what she needs. If she wants more of what he does she should show appreciation for those things. Then he will do it more. If he is in his cave when she needs him she can try to get him out by saying: I need your help. He likes to be a helper. She should not say she is hurt by his actions because then he may become defencive, because he doesn't want to be the bad guy who has hurt her.

Maturation: A man feels attracted to women that makes him feel masculine and women feels attracted to men that makes her feel feminine. Both will like those who let them be themselves. Instead of trying to change each other, they should help each other to reach their potensial. They should rather change their own way of communicating, reacting and responding to their partner than looking at the flaws of their partner. 

Men and women feel attracted to the qualities they need to develop. They can become each others role model. When women mature they develop masculine qualities men needs her to show him: Trust, acceptance, appreciation and flexibility. When men mature they go from being self centered and non-present to present, warm and humane. The feminine qualities he develop and she needs is nurtering (protection, care and attention), understanding and respect. 

When the man become more nurtering the woman develops more trust (that he needs). When she show him trust he will become more nurtering. When she opens up and he listens and shows understanding and support she will show him the acceptance and appreciation he needs. When he shows her respect she will treasure him. 

My own thoughts about spiritual development: Men needs meditation to detach from their emotions and thoughts. It can be by focusing on an object like the breath (Raja yoga). She will free herself from thoughts by giving the thoughts attention because after giving them attention they will not show up again. Women needs meditation to get in contact with their emotions. Mindfulness meditation, free dance, the five rythms, singing and tantra yoga is suitable for that. She needs to express herself. Both men and women should focus on karma yoga (selfless actions) because that increase testesteron in men and progesteron in women, but she needs to fill up her cup (increase estrogen)before she starts giving (increase progesteron), unlike men who fill up their cup (of testesteron)by giving. Men will love God to receive Gods love, while she will ask God to fullfill her needs/love her before she loves and serves God. The bible quote Matthew 7:7: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" is especially suitable for women who needs to feel served. 

Men learn by teaching. Women teach when she has learned. She will get in contact with God when she is in contact with her emotions, because then she is open, authentic and vulnerable. She should ask God for what she needs often so she can be open to receive, be grateful and feel special. This attitude will make her happy to love others. Men will feel happy by serving God ( by serving people) because they will then feel valuable and appreciated. Men needs to control their emotions or they will get out of balance. Women needs to give up the control over their emotions when they are out of balance. She will get her emotions under perspective when she allows herself to become riveted by her emotions. I think both men and women can benefit from mantra meditation. Him by staying clear from his thoughts and feelings and her by letting the mantra help her release her feelings. 

Depression: The major cause of depression in women is feeling isolated. When women are most unhappy, it is when they feel that they have to do it all and there is no one there for them. This sense of having to be completely responsible for themselves and others becomes a source of depression. Ironically, for men it is the opposite. When a man feels he is responsible for himself, then he feels good about himself. When he feels he can provide for another, he feels even better about himself. The more others need him, the better he feels. The major cause of depression in men is when he doesn't feel needed.

Problem solving: He needs time to find objective solutions to act positive and constructive, while she needs to find subjective solutions to get a positive attitude.

Service: Women need to understand that they deserve to receive because they have needs. It's not healthy for them to think they can only get something the masculine way, by doing something first. Women who do things they don't want to do will feel recentment. They first need to receive to have something to give freely. A woman may mistakenly think that to be worthy of receiving what she really wants she must keep giving back what she is receiving, but men feel that he recieves when others receive what he gives. If women become too much like men, men lose purpose, meaning, and inspiration in life. Men can do things they don't like to do if they get payed or appreciated for it. Men are motivated when they feel needed, while women are motivated when they feel cherished. 

Stress: Men tend to handle stress by being light about it and make jokes. Women cope with stress by going deep. Once he can be light about it he can go deep and once she can go deep into it she can be light about it. 

If she stays too long on her male side she will become stressed because on her male side the body will produce testesteron that will suppress her estrogen/emotions. She will feel too open and not in contact with her center. Women are 8 times more emotional than men, so when she has to suppress them the whole day at work she will be out of balance at the end of the day. If he gives her a long hug when he sees her after work it will help a lot because then she gets an opportunity to cry the stress out and ground herself. 

If she can talk and reveal her emotions when she is stressed it will de-stress her, but if a man does the same it will make him feel worse because it will increase estrogen. He can learn about his own emotions by listening to her. Her stress is in many cases expressed as sadness. The man can help the woman de-stress by offering help, massage, hugs, supporting her vulnerability, listen to her and make her feel beautiful. For him it is better to manage stress by trying to detach, to be alone to process his thoughts and by doing things that he feel he is good at so testesteron will increase. Oxytocin will lower her stress-level, but not his. If he is angry the woman should not ask him questions about it because that will worsen his mood. If she is angry it will better her mood if he asks questions. If he feels stressed he can say to her that he needs time alone to process his thoughts. Women can say they need time alone to process their emotions. She can process her emotions with the help of yoga that will release tension, through mindfulness or mantra meditation, singing and dancing freely, by writing down her feelings or by talking about them. 

When men see the woman upset he may tell her to calm down, because to calm down is what he needs when he is upset, but that will upset the woman even more because she needs to express her emotions and thinks it is disrespectfull when he doesn't welcome her feelings. Some men will avoid women that are upset because they think she needs time alone, like himself when he is upset. When women talk about their problems, men will typically try to find solutions, but she needs to talk to find solutions on her own. Instead of him trying to find solutions for her she wish for his empathy, compassion and caress while she explore her emotions and his understanding when she talks. He on the other hand needs to detach from his emotions to get the perspective needed to find solutions.

If a woman experience a moderate stressor 8 times more blood will flow to the emotional part of her brain. A man will experience a decreased bloodflow to that part of his brain in the same situation. If on the other hand she experience a big stressor her estrogen will decrease, her testesteron will increase and she will not be emotional, but fit for fight. He will experience the same amount of bloodflow to the emotional part of his brain when he is dealing with a big stressor as she does when dealing with a moderate one. This is caused by cortisol.

Making decisions: He likes to make decisions fast. Afterwards he is open for objections. She will not make fast decisions and maybe consult several others before she makes one. When she has made a decision she sticks with it so she doesn't understand that he is open for objections after making decisions. It is therefor important for her to be consulted before a decision that effects her is made. 

Blaming: Men typically blame others (first) for causing problems, because their attention is focused. Women typically blames themselves, because their attention is spacious. With this type of attention she will easily see several possible ways she may have contributed to the problem. This is why she is more likely than him to take the blame. Men with low self esteem can more easily get stuck in a state where he is blaming others and feels self-rightous to avoid feeling insecure. These guys may appear utterly confident. 

Dating: Instead of talking about himself, a woman wants a man to ask questions and be interested in getting to know her. For a man, the first few dates are like a job interview. He is selling the woman on the idea that he would be great for her. He is showing her his stuff to win her over. When he talks about himself, it is as if he is not interested in her, as if he doesn't want to get to know her. From his perspective it is just the opposite; the reason he is talking about himself is that he wants to get to know her. He is sharing himself, waiting for her to open up and share with him. She, however, is waiting for him to show some interest and ask her questions. Just as a man can unknowingly turn a woman off by not asking questions, a woman can unknowingly turn a man off by asking too many questions. ​When he will penetrate her mind with questions and she can talk about her feelings and thoughts she will feel feminine and he will feel masculine. 

Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing.

Even when things go really well on a date, a man may still not call. Women become annoyed when a man doesn't call. Most men have no idea why it is so important for a woman to receive that call. His instincts motivate him to wait a while before calling to avoid to appear needy or desperate. A woman wants a call to reassure her, while a man is looking for any encouraging messages that he can be successful in pleasing her.

When a woman seems unsure if she is interested in a relationship with a certain man and he feels he must convince her to be with him, he can relax, knowing that if things don't work out and he stops convincing her, she will not have him and he is free from commitment. When a man doesn't have to worry about how to get out of a relationship a man is much more inclined to get involved. For women it is the opposite. A woman wouldn't persue a man and risk finding out that he won't care about her if she takes a break from persuing him.

The whole process of dating is a gradual process of satisfying her needs a little more at a time. To be satisfied, she just needs to feel hope that one day her emotional needs will be met. In a similar manner, a man doesn't have to have all his sexual needs met right away; He just needs the hope that they are moving in that direction.

Most men do romantic gestures only untill she accepts him, but it is these gestures that fuels her attraction for him. Even though they are exclusive she doesn't want the pursuit to be over.

There are basically four kinds of chemistry between dating partners; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. Mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four. 

Bonding: Just as men have a tendency to rush into physical intimacy, women make the mistake of rushing into complete emotional intimacy. A man bond to a woman who is authentic, openly expresses herself and appreciate what he does for her and accept him the way he is. He bonds more easily when he feels successfull and his testesteron is high. He also bonds by listening to her. She bonds to him when she feels his compassion when she is vulnerable and expresses how she feels. Also when they are making love. If it takes time for her to open up they should wait with having sex so she can be sure of his love for her. Too much intimacy, too quickly, can cause women to become needy and men to pull away. If she has sex with him she will get attached because she opened her self up to him and the traumas from the past will be activated. Therefor it is of utmost importance that she has showed herself naked mentally and emotionally and he has shown her he loves her the way she is before she does it physically so she can trust that he will protect and support her when she becomes vulnerable after they start having sex. 

When couples rush into intimacy the tendency for a man to pull back and a woman to be like a wave is intensified. If they spend more time it will be less extreme. When she becomes more vulnerable because of increased intimacy she rise to the peak and crash down like a wave. At the bottom she show less happiness and love. Instead of rejecting her because he thinks he can't make her happy, he must know that it is at that time she needs his love and support the most. Her crashes can be caused by insecurity, recentment or a feeling of being overwhelmed. While she moves up and down, he moves back and forth by increased intimacy. The more intimate he feels the more he will feel the need to pull away from her. This happens mostly when he is not quite ready for the intimacy. She may misunderstand this and think he is rejecting her, but he needs this to build up his testesteron. So she should give him time and trust that he will come back with increased love for her. His urge to pull back will happen less and less with time.

Sex: During foreplay the man wants to empty his storage of semen and reduce tension while the woman wants to build up tension. Men like to be touched at the genitals first and the rest of the body afterwards. Women likes the opposite: To be touched all over the body and then close to the erogene zones before being touched directly on the erogene zones. Men touch women the way they like to be touched themselves and vice versa, when they don't know or think about their differences. 

Estrogen is womens bonding hormone. Testesteron is mens bonding hormone. Women increase their estrogen when having sex so she will feel a closer bond after sex. He will bond less if he ejaculates because that decrease his testesteron. If he doesn't bond with the woman he has sex with on other levels than the physical he will feel stressed and avoid her. She on the other hand will become more calm and become more affectionate towards him after sex. If he do bond with her on other levels his body will produce prolactin that will counteract dopamin so he doesn't feel the need to find a new partner. If he drinks alcohol, coffee, watch porn, have sexual affairs or masturbate the dopamin level will go up and the prolactin level will go down, so he should try to avoid that. If he avoids ejaculation for 6 days his testesteron level will be double. For men porn and impersonal sex will increase dopamin more than when having sex, but decrease testesteron. Everything new, dangerous, stimulating and exciting will increase dopamin. Soldiors get dopamin at war because of the danger. That may be one reason why they want to go to war. Dopamin plays a role in non-healthy addictions. Complaining can be one of them because it increase dopamin. (My comment: No wonder people like to read negative news and gossip, then.)

When men are unfaithful it is because they are out of balance. Women take philandery very seriously, because if she had been unfaithful it would have been because she loved the other guy.

When he feels her soft being and bodyparts he will get in contact with his soft side. She on the other hand will feel more masculine and detached from her feelings after sex.  

She will feel more affectionate after sharing her emotions. He will feel more affectionate after sex.

Cuddling lowers testesteron in the man (and the woman) except when he selflessly gives her a hug to make her relax. Hugs will help her sleep. Men wants sex to relax. Women needs to relax before having sex. 

If her partner doesn't know how to deal with her emotions he may find her undecisive when he tries to connect to her sexually. She may need to go through layers of emotions before she can get in contact with her underlying sexual desire. In these cases massage and hugs is key to help her relax and go through it all. If he welcome her to cry in his arms it will mean a lot to her.  If it isn't stress that cause her to be undecisive about sex it may be that she needs some kind of confirmation that he loves her before she can open up to him. She gets turned on by feeling loved. She may need that love to come in the form of listening.

When he feels tension he wish to increase the tension by having sex with orgasm as the goal. When she feels uptight on the other hand, she needs to be touched physically without any of them having sex in mind.

Here is a blogpost with more content from John Gray, spesifically about how hormones makes us different. https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/170272862211129768/3464720753244882256

If you disagree with any of this or have additional comments, please leave a comment below. 

Here is a couple of youtube-videos I found interesting:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGcKh91O72Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2ZSAX5sYbw

How to increase and decrease sex hormones, progesteron and oxytocin through behaviour.

We don't have to take pills or ingest certain foods to increase hormones. The hormones increase and decrease by how we behave and are treated. For men and women to feel well they don't need the hormones to be on a certain level, but in the right balance. Both sexes needs both estrogen and testesterone, but men need ten times more testesteron than women. Estrogen lowers testesteron, testesterone lowers estrogen and progesteron. 

When a woman gives without expecting anything back, when she gives because she feels she already has received something and gives out of abundance, progesteron will increase. If a person gives to get something back, testesteron will increase. That is ok for men to do, but because it lowers estrogen it is not good for her. Estrogen increases when she receives because of her good qualities instead of what she has done. 

Many women are estrogen dominant, but it's not because they have too much estrogen, but because they have too little progesteron. The reason for this is that they have too much testesteron that inhibits progesteron. The solution to balance out these hormones is to lower testesteron and increase estrogen and progesteron. The way to do that is first to receive without doing something to get it (estrogen) and then give without wanting something in return (progesteron). That means also to give to oneself! PMS is symptoms of low estrogen and too much testesteron. At work in a male dominant environment women give to get which increases testesterone and is unnatural for them and get their hormones out of balance.

The more she feels alone, unsupported, disrespected and unsatisfied the higher the testesteron level. The solution is to ask for support from people, receive signs of being loved, respected and appreciated for who she is, to pray to receive what she needs, to feel united, dependant and supported, to feel supported when being vulnerable, to talk and express her feelings, to do mindfulness meditation, do yoga which releases tension/emotions, explore problems, to appreciate the little things, to feel taken care of, listened to, understood and nurtured, to receive hugs and compliments on her beauty, acupuncture, massage and lessons will all increase estrogen. It is especially important to bump up the estrogen the days before ovulation. After the ovulation she needs progesteron-increasing activities; To give selflessly to others and do things she likes for herself. Basically, in the first part of her cycle she needs to receive love and in the second part she needs to give the love she has received to others and herself.

Estrogens effect on emotions is due to its ability to increase seretonin and endorphins. Estrogen has an excitatory effect on the brain, progesteron has a calming effect.

When men gets angry it is not because they have too much testesterone, but because they have too much estrogen. Ways men increase estrogen and lowers testesteron is by drinking beer, using weed, amphetamine, morphine, heroin and cocain, by ejaculating and talking about problems and emotions. They may also lose testesterone when they surround themselves with masculine women. Signs of too little testesterone is depression, insecurity, anger, anxiety and inactivity. Men can increase testesteron by doing things they feel they are good at, lift heavy weights, sexual stimulation, to feel free and have alone-time, to feel successfull and like a winner, to see their football team win, to feel needed, by getting approval and appreciation for what they do, accepted the way they are, admired, trusted, encouraged and by helping, supporting and listen to people.

Oxytocin will make people feel a sense of well-being, safety, trust and relaxation. It is the bonding hormone that can be released by walking in a forest, by petting a pet, caring for children (as long as you are not overworked), receiving a massage, by being sucked at the nipples, by cuddling, by having sex, hot showers, meditation, yoga, eye-gazing, day-dreaming, enjoying music and by showing love to others. 

By the way, sex is the best way to balance both female and male hormones! Just the thought of it increases both estrogen in women and testesteron in men. If a woman is expecting sex after work she will become less stressed at work. By the time of ovulation her estrogen level is doubled.

Sources: Books and talks by John Gray and the following links.

https://www.bustle.com/p/7-unexpected-ways-to-increase-the-love-hormone-in-the-morning-8637189

https://www.amrita.edu/news/hormones-and-chemicals-linked-our-emotion

Diktsamling om barndom, familie og spiseforstyrrelser.

¤ ¤ ¤

​Jeg ble skapt og satt i fengsel

for å komme ut av det og frigjøre

de som satte meg i det.

¤

Ja, mamma, jeg er kvalm

fordi du har spydd over hele meg.

¤

Hvordan kan du si du er glad i meg

når du forakter tårer og jeg er fylt av de?

¤

Du fant deg aldri i meg

fordi du satte deg aldri inn.

Du forsto meg ikke

fordi du så for deg deg.

Du holdt ikke rundt meg

så jeg måtte klamre meg fast.

Du sto aldri opp for meg,

du sto og så ned på meg.

¤

Bånd 

Du kritiserte meg for alt ved meg som ikke lignet deg.

Hver dag ventet jeg på at du ville lytte til meg,

men du bare lot meg være forlatt av pappa.

Da jeg oppgav håpet om å få bekreftelse fra deg,

døde du for meg og du begynte å høre på meg

og da jeg forlot din skyldnad mot meg, forlot jeg også deg, 

for da var det ikke lenger noe bånd mellom deg og meg.

¤

Du blir så glad for å se meg

fordi du tror jeg ser på deg.

¤

Engeltåre renner ned

mykt, rundt kinn

fra store øyne.

En heks hveste bitterlig.

Bittesmå trinn på fortauet

med klumpete sko.

¤

Du lå med hodet under bittert vann

når jeg strakk mine hender ut etter deg.

Du trakk deg opp med de

og trakk meg ned samtidig.

Dine spydigheter traff meg i magen

som spyd med gift.

Jeg spydde giften ut igjen

samtidig som jeg sultet etter deg.

¤

 

Man kan ha rett og ta feil

eller være vrang og få rett.

Mors galskap av ler meg.

Tar fra meg min rett 

så jeg blir gal.

¤

Jeg følte meg langt fra utilstrekkelig som barn.
Jeg strakk meg så langt jeg forstrakk meg
for å komme nær mamma så hun rakk meg,
men hun stakk aldri innom min tilværelse

før jeg hadde strukket meg videre.

Vi fikk aldri til et møte.

¤

Hvordan kan du se ned

på det selvdestruktive?

Vet du ikke at det er nedlatenhet

som er årsaken til det?

¤

Du finner deg ikke i meg

før du setter deg inn.

¤

Elskede fiende,

mor, som bar min skygge

til jeg ble fri fra meg selv,

den trellbundne.

Jeg så det gode jeg manglet i deg;

din tjenestevilje.

¤

Det jeg har på hjertet sier deg ikke no'.

Det uttrykker ikke ord, men smertens blod.

¤

Det var ikke noe hyggelig

å rengjøre mamma;

Skrubbe fast-brente rester fra et liv

i en gryte med stålskrubb og kniv.

Hun lignet en sint heks

da jeg skrapte og skrapte

og hun trodde jeg var djevelen selv

da jeg skar ondskapen ut av henne.

¤

Du sier jeg har blitt for tynn og burde spise mer.

Kan jeg virkelig bli liten nok for deg?

Du vil jo ha hele plassen for oppmerksomheten!

Hvordan kan jeg endre spisemønsteret?

Du unner meg ikke det naturlige;

Å være død eller levende.

Derfor lever jeg i en mellomtilstand;

inneklemt mellom to vegger

og er bare fyllmassen som isolerer.

¤

Hvordan kan du se ned på

det destruktive?

Vet du ikke at nedlatenhet

er årsaken til det?

¤

Hun rakker ned på meg

så jeg rakner.

¤

Jeg er ikke i vegen for deg.

Jeg har min egen veg

så du behøver ikke å skubbe meg

i grøfta.

¤

At jeg blir fornærmet,

kan jeg noe for det

når dine stikkende ord-piler

går rett inn i organene mine?

¤

For-sømt gnagde jeg over knutene

og løsnet trådene

som forbandt meg med deg.

Du kaller meg usømmelig og vrang,

men jeg er ikke kledningen

du formet for trang.

Jeg vil ha ut alt det tullet

du utstoppet meg med!

¤

Blir du oppslukt av ting

dør du av åndenød.

¤

Hvis en dame du har hjulpet tusen ganger
kaller deg ukjærlig når du for en gang skyld sier nei,
avslører hun at hun aldri var takknemlig de gangene du sa ja.

¤

Underklassedamen ble overlegen
ved å stikke barnet med hyrdestaven
straks det viste seg, så luften gikk ut 

og bare skinnet lå igjen på bakken etter det.

¤

Om jeg skal sulte meg så meget

det viser hvor mye du ser av meg,
et porøst skjelett du kan se rett gjennom,
er jeg dø før jeg er ferdig.

Jeg vil at du skal se bak overflaten,
men du klarer det ikke selv,
så jeg må fjerne kroppen for deg.

Du har ikke evnen til å tolke dette,
men bruker jeg ord i stedet vil du ikke høre
og viser jeg følelser vil du ikke føle med.

¤

Du satte meg i den hatefulle skyggen din

fordi jeg minnet deg om pappa som sviktet barna dine.

Jeg trodde jeg var styggen selv så mye forakt som du viste,

men du kunne ikke be om tilgivelse for et ikke vedkjent mørke.

Mitt mørke var tomheten etter pappa bare.

¤

Du drev meg til vanvidd

ut på hovedveien

der jeg ble overkjørt

av folk med liten tid

og nedtrykt i asfalten

hvor jeg ble sittende fast.

¤

Hun feier ikke for egen dør, 

men kaster meg ut som en suppe

der en dørmatte kunne ligge

så andre kan tråkke på meg.

¤ ¤ ¤

Pappa

Så stor du gjør deg

når Gud er så liten i deg.

Tør du være bitteliten

kan Gud romme den største biten.

¤

Min forsvarsmekanisme

har vært å holde meg selv i et fast grep.

Et grep som kan minne om det pappa hadde

da han stampet føttene mine i tregulvet

som en sigarettstump han ikke fikk gløden ut av-

og som jeg har følt andre har hatt på meg siden da

fordi grepet hans ble prentet inn i ribbena.

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Pappa, da du dro

fulgte mitt hjerte med,

men det visste du ikke.

Det var i luften et sted,

som om du fortsatt ristet det

løs fra kroppen min slik du pleide å gjøre.

Som et flatt blad felt fra et tre

sank jeg ned i en tom, kald brønn

av steinmenn.

Jeg var der til et bulder bak steinveggen

hev min bevissthet opp i angst

så jeg fra oven fikk se min nedrige tilværelse.

Var det Jesus som banket på

fra den andre siden, kanskje?

For å vekke meg opp fra de døde?

Da en av mennene tok meg uten å spørre

ble jeg så liten og for langt nede

til å strekke meg etter et menneske.

Jeg ble nødt til å be, oppheve stolthets-lokket

og åle desperat gjennom sinnsinnholdet.

Når jeg var helt ute av meg

kom Jesus ned i et himmelsk lys

og fortalte meg veien ut.

I tiden som fulgte fikk jeg sjelen min tilbake

i biter med himmelsk innflytelse

fra Faren hans over tanketaket.

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Jeg forventet at de skulle være glade

på mine vegne.

Jeg tok ikke med i regnestykket

at de var triste

før jeg dømte dem for forsømmelse.

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Spiseforstyrrelser

Fortapt

Hun har et tungsinn

fylt med edelstener og diamanter

og mister hjernefett for å bli lett til sinns.

Hun behøver hjertets endeløshet i verden

for å virkeliggjøre seg selv;

Sin vilje til å fylle verden med skattene

fra sin ønskebrønn.

Hvorfor sier noen at hun bør bli større

når de ikke har rom til å føle det som er i henne?

Det er ikke det at hun vegrer seg imot å spise.

Det er vonde ord hun vegrer seg mot.

Hun vil vise sitt skjelett

så det er tydelig hvor hennes grenser går,

men det er hardt for andre å være milde

når de treffer hofter så spisse.

Hvorfor spør ingen hva som gnager på henne

i stedet for å klage til hun blir dunhåret

at hun er tynn og trenger en kur?

Hungerstreikens mål er tapt

når det bleke liket faller før noen bryr seg

om å løfte opp haken hennes, fremfor å dytte henne til synd.

Det er lett å støtte henne faktisk,

fordi det er hun som bærer korset og forsettet.

Hvis andre hadde vist åpenhet hadde hun ikke trengt å rope

om den indre stormen med vid-åpne øyne.

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Når anoreksien har taket på en

er man i en fengselscelle.

Man ser ingen andre idealer enn de den viser i murtaket.

Som sliten under rehabiliteringen

har man anoreksien rundt benet som en jernkule.

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Å flørte med herr Anoreksi er spennende,

men når du har investert mye nok i han

og han vender seg mot deg

går det fra spennende til skremmende.

Frekk som en demon besetter han deg.

Det var du som inviterte han inn i ditt liv

og kun du kan gi avkall på han.

Så lenge du gir han oppmerksomhet

vil han bli hos deg, fordi han er en fattig skapning.

Ikke-eksisterende uten deg.

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Jeg er i en stor heis i form av en lagerbygning

med mørkegrå, fuktige og ruglete murvegger.

Den er ganske langt nede. Ser man opp ser man ingen ende.

Jeg vet virkelig ikke om det er et tak eller en himmel der oppe.

Heisen går lenger og lenger ned
og jeg vet hverken hvordan stoppe den eller hvordan komme opp igjen.
Jeg har ikke lett etter knapper, fordi jeg unngår de rå veggene
og det er ikke jeg som styrer den. Plutselig senkes gulvet ned.

Det er tomt her unntagen noen pappesker i et hjørne.
Der er redskaper til å spise. Men jeg bryr meg ikke om innholdet.
Jeg venter her på et lager til jeg får komme til himmelen der oppe.

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Du kaller meg konsentrasjonsleir-fange.

Du er min fangevokter, slange,

som fortærer meg med etsende spytt

fra din sydende, store bitre pytt.

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Idet jeg holder kroppen i mitt grep
fanger jeg meg selv inn 
i den verden jeg vil overkomme.

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Jeg har sluppet ut djevelen.

Den levde i magen min.

Der satt den, skrapte og skremte.

Den gjemte seg der inne,

redd den kom til å forsvinne

om den kom ut i lyset.

Forsvinne var hva den gjorde

da jeg satte lyset på den.

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Jeg er skjeen du spiser av.

Skjelettet mitt er et håndtak med hofter på.

Mamma har knust mine ribben mellom tennene.

Pappa dro av meg armene da han dro

fordi jeg ikke ville slippe taket i han.

Menn vil slurpe i seg suppen under navlen.

Jeg forventer at noen bare skal ta meg

når de trenger noe å spise med.

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Anorektikeren har ikke mistet sin mor.

Nei, moren blander seg for mye inn.

Anorektikeren har mistet sin humor,

det beste våpen i kampen

for å bli fri fra sin mor.

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Pappa, hvordan kan jeg tørre å spise

når du gjør narr av andre?

Mamma, hvordan kan jeg spise

med hodet ditt over matfatet?

Jeg er ikke redd mat, dere.

Jeg er redd forakten du fortærer meg med, mamma,

og vitsen jeg ikke ser med meg, pappa.

Den bitre gomler på sitt hjerte, mamma,

og den som gjør narr er den største narr, pappa.

Dere er uten kontroll over deres tunge.

Noen må veie opp for det.

Veie alt nøye.

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Det fete utflytende livet

til den tvangsspisende

er ingen smule bedre

enn inget liv overhodet

som Siv, anorektisk pike har,

svevende, tørr og bar.

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Anorektikeren

Hun nekter seg helst den minste antydning

til mat og livsutfoldelse.

Om det så bare er en løs, liten hudfold igjen

må den stramme seg opp.

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Kroppen kan fortære og utvides

eller fortæres og innskrumpes.

Begge deler er et forsøk på

å oppløse kroppen for dens sanser.

Når sanser suger til seg objekter

hindres subjektet innlevelse.

De indre sansene er mer sulte

og påkaller de lidelsene.

De gjentatte behov i det ytre

forhindrer de til fordypelse.

De enten flyter ut og drukner der

eller de svever over verden.

Om de fikk være seg fra innsiden

ville ingenting være så vondt

og de kunne samle seg om noe

de trodde var godt og glemme

seg selv de tror er ond

på grunn av en misforståelse.

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Bulimikeren glefser i seg som en ulv.

Hun holder slik fortvilet inne

en varulvs sinne.

Så mye kvalm oppførsel hun har opplevd

er mengden hun kaster opp.

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Over-spiseren er trøstesløs;

For fri i verdensrommet.

Ingen er der og kan gi

de nærende sukkersøte ord hun trenger.

Klemmen som beroliger og fjerner skammen.

Hun trenger å vite at også hun fortjener.

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Når man ikke har noen å elske

fordi man selv ikke opplever å bli det

har man ingen som fyller hjertet

så hele kroppen er tom.

Hva skal man med kroppen da

når den ikke rommer det vesentlige?

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Til anorektisk pike

Jeg står med føttene på bunnen av medfølelsenes hav

når jeg tenker på deg og de som lik deg

er i klørne til det overformynderske

psykiatriske vesenet.

Jeg kjenner kjærlighetens hav og den store himmelske glede,

men det er så lite lille jeg kan gjøre.

Det lille er rent ut menneskelig og spinklere enn knoklene

i fingrene mine.

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Jeg vil ikke føle meg overflødig

som fett.

Derfor hater jeg det.

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Sønnen min

Fosteret

En glødende voksklump vokser i meg

til et sort spisst fjell som spidder isen.

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Min baby er følelsen

av kjærlighet etter elskov.

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Du møter meg med pollen
som faller tungt gjennom sollyset
og ned på den fuktige bakken et sted.

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Jeg så fella med depresjonen nedi
i gågata,
men jeg gikk ikke nedi.

Fella er å tro jeg må være en dårlig mor
som fratas sin kjære. 

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Hver uventede lyd dytter frem fraværet av deg.

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Det er så tomt uten deg
at du fyller hele verden omkring meg.

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Bare synet av en rynket panne
bringer frem medfølelse.

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Jeg vandrer gatelangs for å finne deg
selv om jeg vet du er milevis fra meg.
Denne rastløsheten minner mistenkelig mye

om min største kjærlighetssorg.
Jeg må slite meg ut så jeg kan sovne.

Enda bedre ville det være
om jeg hadde en støtputemann
å ligge på magen til,
som satte tårene fri.

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Plutselig kjente jeg din dype sorg i hjertet.
Om den var din eller min vet jeg ikke,
men den samme sorg er det
fordi vi bader begge i sorghavet,
så du er ikke alene.

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Det gikk en kråke og skrek utenfor huset,
igjen og igjen, som for å proklamere
at du og jeg hadde stor sorg i hjertet
og noen hadde vært dypt, dypt urettferdige.

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Mamma begynte å gråte
da hun hørte hva du drømte.
Men jeg kommer aldri til å hoppe 
ned fra terrassen på taket, kjære.
Jeg vil ikke vente lenger
enn nødvendig for å holde om deg. 

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Uten din stemme i huset
er dette som et kontemplativt kloster
å regne.

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Det er rått ute
så det beste er å sove i den lune sengen din.

Her sover kjæledyret under sengeteppet,
mens du må sove med din fiende!

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Den lille, døde fuglen på fortauet
er like ribbet for kjøtt
som jeg er for ditt.

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Å ta selvmord hjelper ikke.
Min hals er skåret over allerede.

Jo mer de vil drepe vår hengivenhet
jo mer vokser den i styrke.

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La meg skinne
i ditt mørke.
Bring meg nærmere ditt hjerte.

Vi kan møtes der
når vi nektes samvær.

Du mister meg aldri.
Din far har din kropp en tid,
men vi er forenet evig.

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Jeg er dumpet 

som en byrde i sjøen

og synker som en jernkule

fordi den som kastet meg

var sønnen min.