The following is what I have learned from John Gray ( the author of the famous book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus) after listening to his youtube-videos and reading 4 of his books about relationships.
Men and women are in many ways the opposite, because men feel good when testesterone is increased and women when estrogen is increased and when estrogen rise testesteron decrease. These hormones are increased in different ways. The cool thing is that they can boost each others hormones in ways that benefits them both at the same time. They both need love, but expressed in different ways.
The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors: A man's ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman's feelings, and a woman's ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences love has a chance to blossom.
Needs: Men needs to be accepted in spite of his imperfections. He needs others to be positive he can accomplish his goals and to value his achievements. He needs her to trust, value and accept his thoughts, motives, actions, decisions and way of thinking. He needs admiration, approval and encouragement. Women needs to be respected, to feel valuable, she needs devotion, validation and reassurances. She needs to feel special and beautyful, to be listened to, cared about when she is upset, understood and taken care of (nurtured).
Love often fails because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman’s primary needs are to be cared for, understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn’t trust him. Being trusted is his primary need, not being cared for. Then, when he doesn’t respond positively to her caring she can’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate her brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn’t what she needs. So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other’s needs.
Receiving support and help will boost her estrogen. To give support, help and to feel appreciated will boost his testesteron. Because he feel love by helping and she feels love by being supported she should help him help her by asking for what she needs. What brings out the best in men is when she is happy so when he is helping her they are in a good loop. Trying to please a man will never earn his lasting affections. The opposite is true. When a man succeeds in pleasing a woman, then and only then is he more motivated to please her.
To know that she is respected, supported and not alone in taking responsibility is important for her. That she doesn't feel like the only one responsible for earning money, taking care of the the kids, the home etc. (That doesn't mean she doesn't like to be independant, of course.) The man feels good by doing something valuable as detached and selfless. If she can trust that she will be supported and can ask when she needs something it will increase her estrogen and well being. She should not trust that he automatically knows what she needs. She should trust that he will give her what she needs if she lets him know what that is. E.g. if she needs to talk she should talk and not wait untill he asks her questions, because that may never happen. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means that he expects you to talk when you need to talk (like men does) and that he doesn't want to bother you with unsuitable questions. (Men don't like too many questions and may think you don't like too many either.)
Instead of needing a man primarily for survival and security, like old fashion men may think, a woman needs a man for emotional comfort, nurturing, his romantic attention, affection, good communication and great sex. This will help her balance her hormones that gets out of balance from working in a masculine environment. She needs the attention of someone who cares about her. She needs the help of someone who wants to take care of her needs. Women needs signs of affection ( especially caresses and hugs) from men to reassure them they are loved, perceived as special and won't be abandoned. A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw. Men on the other hand needs to feel confident they can make the woman happy to commit to her, so he needs her to express her appreciation for him.
The times she seems cold she just needs more understanding and affection and her heart will warm up again and her eyes will begin to sparkle. When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood. Then she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs. He should not take responsibility for her problems, thoughts and emotions, but detach himself to be able to just understand and support her while she is expressing herself.
Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions. To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self. Men argue for the right to be free, while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
Even though men likes to do things for her it is important that she acknowledge his efforts and doesn't complain about what he doesn't do. It is important that she tell him what she needs. If she wants more of what he does she should show appreciation for those things. Then he will do it more. If he is in his cave when she needs him she can try to get him out by saying: I need your help. He likes to be a helper. She should not say she is hurt by his actions because then he may become defencive, because he doesn't want to be the bad guy who has hurt her.
Maturation: A man feels attracted to women that makes him feel masculine and women feels attracted to men that makes her feel feminine. Both will like those who let them be themselves. Instead of trying to change each other, they should help each other to reach their potensial. They should rather change their own way of communicating, reacting and responding to their partner than looking at the flaws of their partner.
Men and women feel attracted to the qualities they need to develop. They can become each others role model. When women mature they develop masculine qualities men needs her to show him: Trust, acceptance, appreciation and flexibility. When men mature they go from being self centered and non-present to present, warm and humane. The feminine qualities he develop and she needs is nurtering (protection, care and attention), understanding and respect.
When the man become more nurtering the woman develops more trust (that he needs). When she show him trust he will become more nurtering. When she opens up and he listens and shows understanding and support she will show him the acceptance and appreciation he needs. When he shows her respect she will treasure him.
My own thoughts about spiritual development: Men needs meditation to detach from their emotions and thoughts. It can be by focusing on an object like the breath (Raja yoga). She will free herself from thoughts by giving the thoughts attention because after giving them attention they will not show up again. Women needs meditation to get in contact with their emotions. Mindfulness meditation, free dance, the five rythms, singing and tantra yoga is suitable for that. She needs to express herself. Both men and women should focus on karma yoga (selfless actions) because that increase testesteron in men and progesteron in women, but she needs to fill up her cup (increase estrogen)before she starts giving (increase progesteron), unlike men who fill up their cup (of testesteron)by giving. Men will love God to receive Gods love, while she will ask God to fullfill her needs/love her before she loves and serves God. The bible quote Matthew 7:7: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" is especially suitable for women who needs to feel served.
Men learn by teaching. Women teach when she has learned. She will get in contact with God when she is in contact with her emotions, because then she is open, authentic and vulnerable. She should ask God for what she needs often so she can be open to receive, be grateful and feel special. This attitude will make her happy to love others. Men will feel happy by serving God ( by serving people) because they will then feel valuable and appreciated. Men needs to control their emotions or they will get out of balance. Women needs to give up the control over their emotions when they are out of balance. She will get her emotions under perspective when she allows herself to become riveted by her emotions. I think both men and women can benefit from mantra meditation. Him by staying clear from his thoughts and feelings and her by letting the mantra help her release her feelings.
Depression: The major cause of depression in women is feeling isolated. When women are most unhappy, it is when they feel that they have to do it all and there is no one there for them. This sense of having to be completely responsible for themselves and others becomes a source of depression. Ironically, for men it is the opposite. When a man feels he is responsible for himself, then he feels good about himself. When he feels he can provide for another, he feels even better about himself. The more others need him, the better he feels. The major cause of depression in men is when he doesn't feel needed.
Problem solving: He needs time to find objective solutions to act positive and constructive, while she needs to find subjective solutions to get a positive attitude.
Service: Women need to understand that they deserve to receive because they have needs. It's not healthy for them to think they can only get something the masculine way, by doing something first. Women who do things they don't want to do will feel recentment. They first need to receive to have something to give freely. A woman may mistakenly think that to be worthy of receiving what she really wants she must keep giving back what she is receiving, but men feel that he recieves when others receive what he gives. If women become too much like men, men lose purpose, meaning, and inspiration in life. Men can do things they don't like to do if they get payed or appreciated for it. Men are motivated when they feel needed, while women are motivated when they feel cherished.
Stress: Men tend to handle stress by being light about it and make jokes. Women cope with stress by going deep. Once he can be light about it he can go deep and once she can go deep into it she can be light about it.
If she stays too long on her male side she will become stressed because on her male side the body will produce testesteron that will suppress her estrogen/emotions. She will feel too open and not in contact with her center. Women are 8 times more emotional than men, so when she has to suppress them the whole day at work she will be out of balance at the end of the day. If he gives her a long hug when he sees her after work it will help a lot because then she gets an opportunity to cry the stress out and ground herself.
If she can talk and reveal her emotions when she is stressed it will de-stress her, but if a man does the same it will make him feel worse because it will increase estrogen. He can learn about his own emotions by listening to her. Her stress is in many cases expressed as sadness. The man can help the woman de-stress by offering help, massage, hugs, supporting her vulnerability, listen to her and make her feel beautiful. For him it is better to manage stress by trying to detach, to be alone to process his thoughts and by doing things that he feel he is good at so testesteron will increase. Oxytocin will lower her stress-level, but not his. If he is angry the woman should not ask him questions about it because that will worsen his mood. If she is angry it will better her mood if he asks questions. If he feels stressed he can say to her that he needs time alone to process his thoughts. Women can say they need time alone to process their emotions. She can process her emotions with the help of yoga that will release tension, through mindfulness or mantra meditation, singing and dancing freely, by writing down her feelings or by talking about them.
When men see the woman upset he may tell her to calm down, because to calm down is what he needs when he is upset, but that will upset the woman even more because she needs to express her emotions and thinks it is disrespectfull when he doesn't welcome her feelings. Some men will avoid women that are upset because they think she needs time alone, like himself when he is upset. When women talk about their problems, men will typically try to find solutions, but she needs to talk to find solutions on her own. Instead of him trying to find solutions for her she wish for his empathy, compassion and caress while she explore her emotions and his understanding when she talks. He on the other hand needs to detach from his emotions to get the perspective needed to find solutions.
If a woman experience a moderate stressor 8 times more blood will flow to the emotional part of her brain. A man will experience a decreased bloodflow to that part of his brain in the same situation. If on the other hand she experience a big stressor her estrogen will decrease, her testesteron will increase and she will not be emotional, but fit for fight. He will experience the same amount of bloodflow to the emotional part of his brain when he is dealing with a big stressor as she does when dealing with a moderate one. This is caused by cortisol.
Making decisions: He likes to make decisions fast. Afterwards he is open for objections. She will not make fast decisions and maybe consult several others before she makes one. When she has made a decision she sticks with it so she doesn't understand that he is open for objections after making decisions. It is therefor important for her to be consulted before a decision that effects her is made.
Blaming: Men typically blame others (first) for causing problems, because their attention is focused. Women typically blames themselves, because their attention is spacious. With this type of attention she will easily see several possible ways she may have contributed to the problem. This is why she is more likely than him to take the blame. Men with low self esteem can more easily get stuck in a state where he is blaming others and feels self-rightous to avoid feeling insecure. These guys may appear utterly confident.
Dating: Instead of talking about himself, a woman wants a man to ask questions and be interested in getting to know her. For a man, the first few dates are like a job interview. He is selling the woman on the idea that he would be great for her. He is showing her his stuff to win her over. When he talks about himself, it is as if he is not interested in her, as if he doesn't want to get to know her. From his perspective it is just the opposite; the reason he is talking about himself is that he wants to get to know her. He is sharing himself, waiting for her to open up and share with him. She, however, is waiting for him to show some interest and ask her questions. Just as a man can unknowingly turn a woman off by not asking questions, a woman can unknowingly turn a man off by asking too many questions. When he will penetrate her mind with questions and she can talk about her feelings and thoughts she will feel feminine and he will feel masculine.
Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing.
Even when things go really well on a date, a man may still not call. Women become annoyed when a man doesn't call. Most men have no idea why it is so important for a woman to receive that call. His instincts motivate him to wait a while before calling to avoid to appear needy or desperate. A woman wants a call to reassure her, while a man is looking for any encouraging messages that he can be successful in pleasing her.
When a woman seems unsure if she is interested in a relationship with a certain man and he feels he must convince her to be with him, he can relax, knowing that if things don't work out and he stops convincing her, she will not have him and he is free from commitment. When a man doesn't have to worry about how to get out of a relationship a man is much more inclined to get involved. For women it is the opposite. A woman wouldn't persue a man and risk finding out that he won't care about her if she takes a break from persuing him.
The whole process of dating is a gradual process of satisfying her needs a little more at a time. To be satisfied, she just needs to feel hope that one day her emotional needs will be met. In a similar manner, a man doesn't have to have all his sexual needs met right away; He just needs the hope that they are moving in that direction.
Most men do romantic gestures only untill she accepts him, but it is these gestures that fuels her attraction for him. Even though they are exclusive she doesn't want the pursuit to be over.
There are basically four kinds of chemistry between dating partners; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. Mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four.
Bonding: Just as men have a tendency to rush into physical intimacy, women make the mistake of rushing into complete emotional intimacy. A man bond to a woman who is authentic, openly expresses herself and appreciate what he does for her and accept him the way he is. He bonds more easily when he feels successfull and his testesteron is high. He also bonds by listening to her. She bonds to him when she feels his compassion when she is vulnerable and expresses how she feels. Also when they are making love. If it takes time for her to open up they should wait with having sex so she can be sure of his love for her. Too much intimacy, too quickly, can cause women to become needy and men to pull away. If she has sex with him she will get attached because she opened her self up to him and the traumas from the past will be activated. Therefor it is of utmost importance that she has showed herself naked mentally and emotionally and he has shown her he loves her the way she is before she does it physically so she can trust that he will protect and support her when she becomes vulnerable after they start having sex.
When couples rush into intimacy the tendency for a man to pull back and a woman to be like a wave is intensified. If they spend more time it will be less extreme. When she becomes more vulnerable because of increased intimacy she rise to the peak and crash down like a wave. At the bottom she show less happiness and love. Instead of rejecting her because he thinks he can't make her happy, he must know that it is at that time she needs his love and support the most. Her crashes can be caused by insecurity, recentment or a feeling of being overwhelmed. While she moves up and down, he moves back and forth by increased intimacy. The more intimate he feels the more he will feel the need to pull away from her. This happens mostly when he is not quite ready for the intimacy. She may misunderstand this and think he is rejecting her, but he needs this to build up his testesteron. So she should give him time and trust that he will come back with increased love for her. His urge to pull back will happen less and less with time.
Sex: During foreplay the man wants to empty his storage of semen and reduce tension while the woman wants to build up tension. Men like to be touched at the genitals first and the rest of the body afterwards. Women likes the opposite: To be touched all over the body and then close to the erogene zones before being touched directly on the erogene zones. Men touch women the way they like to be touched themselves and vice versa, when they don't know or think about their differences.
Estrogen is womens bonding hormone. Testesteron is mens bonding hormone. Women increase their estrogen when having sex so she will feel a closer bond after sex. He will bond less if he ejaculates because that decrease his testesteron. If he doesn't bond with the woman he has sex with on other levels than the physical he will feel stressed and avoid her. She on the other hand will become more calm and become more affectionate towards him after sex. If he do bond with her on other levels his body will produce prolactin that will counteract dopamin so he doesn't feel the need to find a new partner. If he drinks alcohol, coffee, watch porn, have sexual affairs or masturbate the dopamin level will go up and the prolactin level will go down, so he should try to avoid that. If he avoids ejaculation for 6 days his testesteron level will be double. For men porn and impersonal sex will increase dopamin more than when having sex, but decrease testesteron. Everything new, dangerous, stimulating and exciting will increase dopamin. Soldiors get dopamin at war because of the danger. That may be one reason why they want to go to war. Dopamin plays a role in non-healthy addictions. Complaining can be one of them because it increase dopamin. (My comment: No wonder people like to read negative news and gossip, then.)
When men are unfaithful it is because they are out of balance. Women take philandery very seriously, because if she had been unfaithful it would have been because she loved the other guy.
When he feels her soft being and bodyparts he will get in contact with his soft side. She on the other hand will feel more masculine and detached from her feelings after sex.
She will feel more affectionate after sharing her emotions. He will feel more affectionate after sex.
Cuddling lowers testesteron in the man (and the woman) except when he selflessly gives her a hug to make her relax. Hugs will help her sleep. Men wants sex to relax. Women needs to relax before having sex.
If her partner doesn't know how to deal with her emotions he may find her undecisive when he tries to connect to her sexually. She may need to go through layers of emotions before she can get in contact with her underlying sexual desire. In these cases massage and hugs is key to help her relax and go through it all. If he welcome her to cry in his arms it will mean a lot to her. If it isn't stress that cause her to be undecisive about sex it may be that she needs some kind of confirmation that he loves her before she can open up to him. She gets turned on by feeling loved. She may need that love to come in the form of listening.
When he feels tension he wish to increase the tension by having sex with orgasm as the goal. When she feels uptight on the other hand, she needs to be touched physically without any of them having sex in mind.
Here is a blogpost with more content from John Gray, spesifically about how hormones makes us different. https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/170272862211129768/3464720753244882256
If you disagree with any of this or have additional comments, please leave a comment below.
Here is a couple of youtube-videos I found interesting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGcKh91O72Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2ZSAX5sYbw
